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Frequently Asked Questions about the Amish Laptop

1.What kind of power source does the Laptop use?

The Laptop doesn't really need power...it is just a series of beads controlled by a pulley system, that when arranged in certain patterns can be translated into words or HTML tags. The only source of power needed to run the Laptop's pulley system comes from a rather small chicken attached to the Laptop by means of a rope.

2. How does the Laptop view text, HTML, pictures, etc.?

The Laptop uses a system of levers and pulleys to move the beads on the abacus into patterns which can then be translated into words and HTML tags.(see question 1 for more details of the pulley system.) The Laptop cannot generate pictures. However, a newer model is in the works with a lot more beads. This newer model will have enough "bead resolution" to display crude pictures.

3. Is the Laptop Windows compatible?

No. The laptop uses it's very own operating system called BOS (Bead Operating System) which was created by an Amish carpenter who specializes in building windows: Jebadiah Monroe Gates (see portrait below) who is a distant cousin to Bill Gates. When asked why he developed the Laptop, Jebadiah said that when he heard of the 'English' browsing around on the Internet, spreading porn and sin, he had to do something to promote good Amish values on the net.

Jebadiah Monroe Gates

4. Isn't the use of ANY technology frowned upon by the Amish?

Yes it is. But the Amish have decided that the Laptop is by no means technology.

5. How do the Amish connect to the internet without phone lines?

The Amish use what we call a "String and Can" modem. The modem consists of a tin can connected to the back of the abacus, and a waxed string running to the nearest telephone pole where another tin can is located. Vibrations caused by the abacus cause the string, can, and telephone pole to resonate certain frequencies that can actually trigger their modems. The other modems send their signals through the cans and string back into the abacus....which uses a system of pulleys to translate the vibrations into patterns of beads which are translated into words. The modem works at a blazing speed of 2.4BPS (Beads Per Second).

6. What new type of computer viruses will Amish hackers unleash onto the internet?

The Amish do not manufacture computer viruses. They do however make wonderful quilts and butter!

7. Can the Laptop be used for "gaming" purposes?

The Laptop lacks any type of "games", but future beadware includes a butter churn simulator, a virtual barn builder, and quilt designer.

8. How fast is the Amish Laptop?

We benchmarked the Laptop as having a CPU (Chicken-Pulley Unit) speed of approximately 4.33 Hz.

9. What other non-technological breakthroughs are the Amish working on?

Well, the laptop was designed for personal access to the Internet, but we have learned that the Amish have developed a much larger computer (possibly as a Web Server?).

We also found out they are working on a wrist version of their computer. We have a photo of the prototype:

And finally, we also hear they are working on an electricity substitute involving kites, strings, butter churns, and lightning bolts. Details are sketchy, but we are told that since lightning is provided by God, it's OK to use it. Another research group is reportedly trying to utilize static electricity by means of rubbing sheep on carpets and balloons, but this may just be a rumor.

 

Breaking News!

One of our spies was hanging around the back of the AMISH TECHNOLOGY RESOURCE CENTER when a crate fell off a delivery buggy. Inside we found out that the Amish have developed a PDA!

We have a whole crate of these top secret prototypes and we have decided to sell them to help support our web site and to pay for our technology spies in the Amish underground. He -er.. They said they would not do any more work for buttermilk and pies. They wanted some cold hard bribes and we are too broke to pay them. So, in an act of  true American commercialism, we are selling our 'found' supply of Amish PDAs in our Gift Shop. Buy yours now. Buy! Buy! Buy!

 

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Real Amish Info:

Amish Heartland - About the Amish Information FAQ and links to real Amish information.

Amish FAQ - Best FAQ on the Amish I have ever seen.

 

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English people hath gazed upon the Amish Laptop!

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Disclaimer: We have gotten a couple of emails saying that we are making fun of someone's religion and we should stop. DD Parodies does not want to make fun of anyone's religion, and we don't here. We just use one facet of Amish lifestyle (no technology) and try to make a little humor of it in light of the fact that there seem to be a lot of actual Amish sites out there (see the real links above). Amish are a Christian sect, and although they have some very conservative views and believe in separating themselves from society in large... as far as we can tell, they have the same basic Christian beliefs as most orthodox protestants, and nowhere does DD Parodies make fun of their religion. So, there! 


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